https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-hvb53-1b9f530
I take an honest look at my temper and how it has hurt so many people, including myself. I explore ways to help it. Sometimes it’s not what makes me mad. It’s about what don’t I have that makes me emotional and that is the them of todays episode. Sorry it was late by the way.
HIGHLIGHTS FROM THIS EPISODE
So yeah, I’m pissed off about a lot of things, but most of all, I’m just pissed off about my things in life. I’m pissed off at myself because I made so many mistakes on the way I treated people. When I brought up that thing about me being a chauvinistic pig, yeah, there was a point in my life where I was, and I feel fucking guilty as hell about it. So I’m angry. I feel guilty about a lot of things I’ve done in my life, so I’m angry. You know, I just feel like I could have done better, and I didn’t. So I guess the best thing for me to do is just rage and make everyone feel what I’m feeling. Make everyone feel how horrible I feel, right? That’s the right thing to do. That’s the right way to handle this shit, right? Yeah, that’s what we do. We just have a violent outburst. We fucking break windows. We smash things. We destroy things. We make people feel like shit. My dad raised me to strike. If someone strikes you, you strike harder. You go below the belt and you hurt them worse. That’s how I was brought up. Yeah, and you know where that got me in my life? It got me to this place where I’m at, where I have carried so much guilt and so much Fucking disgust with the way that I’ve done things. That’s made me even more angrier. So anger is just a part of my life. And what do I do when I get angry? I flip out. Sometimes what we do is we listen to real heavy music. Real crazy shit with real violent lyrics and shit. That’s one way you can get through it. Real old school metal, yeah.
You know, I think about the Michael Greatest Hits album of angry outbursts and actions, and I think about all the people that have been hurt because of my anger. I think about all the people that I’ve made feel small, that I’ve physically done damage to, especially people who are really close to me. I, I really have lived in this place where I have not been able to forgive myself for the longest time, and I think one of my problems is when I want the forgiveness and the people don’t want to give me the forgiveness. It makes me even more angrier, so then I get angrier. You see, I came from this household of godliness where you can be asked to be forgiven for your sins, but you see, not everyone is as great as Jesus, where they forgive you. They, they’re pissed and they’re hurt, and they need to process how they feel. And I feel like someone like me doesn’t have the patience to understand that. I feel like I want things to be okay. I can’t live with a black cloud over my life because when I have that black cloud, it just makes my feelings all weird and discombobulated, and I want to fucking flip out. And I think part of my problem is is I don’t give people the permission to feel. At least I didn’t, and I still am not that great at it.
So you got to find a way to keep your shit together, right? You got to keep a way to hold it together and all that shit. You can’t just, you can’t just go. You gotta fucking get that shit going on. You gotta, you gotta be okay. You know what I mean? And that’s how your anger is. It’s got to come out eventually because if you don’t bring it out, then you’re holding it. You’re poisoning yourself. You’re poisoning yourself, and then you become a fucking bastard, kind of like I’ve been for most of my life. And that’s not easy, because then you live with the guilt and the shame, and guilt and shame are two things you do not want. Through a window, you punched a hole in the door. You kicked some furniture across the room and you broke it. You saw some dishes and you threw them on the ground. Yeah, we all do fucking fucked up shit like that when we get mad. But some of us we feel like we do that shit over and over and over again. That’s me. I feel like I have been through the anger loop more times than I can count.
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