https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-igz8h-1b89e4d
One of the worst truths I have had to learn how to accept over the last year or so in some intense therapy is that I am not like other people. There are things wrong with my programing and it all started when I was young. Maybe I was set up to fail, or just full of bad decisions. I hurt people. I have hurt myself and I need to know why and the paths to those answers start here.
HIGHLIGHTS FROM THIS EPISODE
Now people that meet me say, “Oh, Mike, you’re not that fucked. No, I am fucked up. Let me tell you, I am fucked up, and I am fucked up because I’ve experienced a lot of bullshit in my life, and my brain has processed that shit to be 10 times heavier than it actually was, and that comes with the territory of having you know behavioral disorders and mental disorders and having sickness and all that other shit. It all comes with the territory. It’s all about the same thing. It is. It’s all that, and you know, it’s like a light bulb went off for me, right? Hence, this first song, see the light, because I saw the light, and the light unfortunately blinded me. It blinded me so bad it hurt. It made me really take a hard look at who I am and what I do. And there are so many different ways I can go with this. However, one of the themes that I’ve always had a problem with, and I’ve been very up upfront and open about this on the show, is I’ve talked about the loss of identity, the really knowing of who I am, and it’s a struggle that I’ve had for the last five or 10 years. Is trying to really figure out who I am because I really believe before I got my BPD diagnosis, I felt like I was living in a dream world. I was living in a matrix. I really didn’t have all the tools. Now, the happiest time of my life before that was when I was creating shit. When I was going to Columbia College. When I was creating production. I was doing stuff on the radio, and that was a very happy time in my life. The other happiest time of my life was being a father for my children when my children were getting big, because I really wanted to be with them. And I had two people in my life who really didn’t know the real me, and they loved me for me until they got to know the real me.
We have to sit down. We have to get to know ourselves, and we have to just embrace who we are-past, present, and future. We gotta love it all, just like you would in any relationship. You love the good parts and you love the bad parts. I have to learn how to love the good parts and bad parts for myself, and that is going to be a motherfucker to deal with.
That’s another story of my life is that I would realize that I fucked up when it was too late because I already fucked up. I wouldn’t stop myself from fucking up. I wouldn’t do any of that shit. So I let a lot of people down. I hurt a lot of people, and unfortunately, this is all the shit I’ve been carrying with me my whole life-the guilt. 50 years, I’ve been carrying guilt about how I treated people, and I think about how I was treated and how angry I’ve been about that. And it’s like some days you, sometime you have to put the bag down. Sometimes you have to understand that you just want equipped to learn how to deal with this shit. You just have to give yourself that grace, and you have to just own it, and just try to accept it and move on. I became that son of a bitch, and you know what that guy did to me? Abandoned me more times than I could count. Gave up on me more times I can count. Pretty much told me that I didn’t have it to make it in this life more times than I could count. He was so proud of my brother. He was so proud that my brother could do anything and I couldn’t do shit. He just he made me feel like a fucking loser, and then he would come back in my life. I’d be all excited. I’d be like, “Yay, my dad likes me, and they would leave again. Then he disappeared for like three years, and he just called me randomly out of the blue. And he stopped talking to me again.
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